I've finally cracked.

I think I have an infection and all these what ifs are going through my mind, what if they have to remove apart of my jaw, what if its really bad they have to do everything over again.
On top of that IM DYING OF HUNGER. All I want is some tomato soup but I can't even have that because the stupid can opener doesnt WORK.

So I'm crying, I havent really cried at all the past few days but this is just too much now, I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I really don't.

And I really want to blow my fucking nose. Can I not even do that.

I hate life right now.

All the wonder

I've read on so many blogs about how much people don't like their face right after jaw surgery, but I can't stop looking at myself but god do I look ugly.
It's just not my face and I'm so anxious to see how it'll look. With all this swelling, I'm already seeing a huge difference, so have my friends and family and I know this isn't how I'll look a few months, or even weeks down the road but the curiosity is getting to me.

lol one thing I do want to say though, is that I'm not very happy with my nose so far. sigh~

I'll put up pics soon, as much as I wanna look at myself post op, I'm not sure I'm ready to share that with everyone.

But here is a picture I took like a day or two before surgery enjoy:

Sorry my room was an absolute mess, I was in the pre surgery clean up stage, I knew I wouldnt feel up to doing much afterwards. 

Day 4 post op: continuation of suck.

Today was one of my better todays so far, but I'm pretty sure it's just because I'm starting to adjust to everything.

Numbness, my tongue is starting to get feeling back I'd say it's like 80%ish back and as for the swelling, well it began to go down but on my left cheek which was the least swollen before seems to have swelled up - thus leading me to believe I may have an infection.
Maybe it's because I don't take any pain killers but my insiscion sites hurt sometimes, it's like a little stabbing pain and its really only on the bottom left side. Well, I'm going in for my post surgery appointment in a few days I guess, we'll see. Nothing I can do since I am already taking antibiotics.

The pain is a lot less there right now, thank god, but Im definitely getting tired of having an immobile jaw.

Today, I didn't do much, just daily stuff, showered & brushed, tried to eat (hey I ate more than the past few days so that's a plus), just bummed around watching reruns of the OC when I should be studying #oops. Oh, and I lost 8 lbs so far LOL and to be honest I'm such a grouch I don't even see that as a plus, I'd rather gain 8 lbs and be able to eat whatever I want to at this point..

I'm seriously suffering from liquid diet syndrome right now... okay there is no such thing but there should be. I see and notice food more often then I used to, and when your family is eating your fav croissants and you see fridge and cabinets filled to the brim with delicious solid foods, sigh~ I'm shocked I haven't cracked yet.

Also, I'm like in freak out mode because of this whole not being able to brush properly.. Like, seriously I'm spending thousands of dollars on teeth that are gonna turn black from peridex and get one too many cavities because I can't brush on the inside - seems counter productive if you ask me! LOL I'd try and convince my surgeon to unwire me for 10 minutes so I could get a good brush in but I know that's not gonna happen T.T

You really don't realize what a luxury brushing your teeth is until you can't do it anymore.

I'm also insanely tired, seriously standing for 15 minutes brushing my teeth is like an olympic sport for me now, I mean I wasn't always the most athletic girl in the room but this is just not right, oh man it's so funny - I broke my jaws so I could successfully bite into a sandwhich but the opportunity cost (LOL econ) is not being able to eat properly for over a month.

I mean come on, we all love a good milkshake but not for every other meal in between gross soups that get stuck everywhere and... okay yeahh that's pretty much all I eat, again, #oops.

Until next time when I find something new to complain about, Ima go brush up on elasticity and all that fun economics stuff.

Day of surgery, day 1, 2 and 3 post op!

Apologies for the lack of posts from the beginning of my surgery up to today, day 4 -- it has just been such an intense experience thus far, it's so hard to even breathe right much less take time out of my sulking way to post but I will! In the name of all that is good, and useful for people who will be getting this.

Day of surgery June 19 2013: 

Well, there isn't much to say about this to be quite honest, I was dopped up on drugs and trying hard not to throw up again. 

I remember walking into the OR and laying my head down on this block, last thing I remembered was trying my very hardest not to cry (sorry I'm a bit of a wuss) and seeing my surgeons face before I woke up. Seriously, for anyone who hasn't gone under general anesthesia, it's seriously like a split second and your up.

I remember just completely freaking out! My jaws were wired shut, I was confused, uncomfortable and I reeeaaally need to hurl. So I did. Lots of blood into a bucket in the ICU where I spent my first night. 

I had some great nurses taking care of me so it wasn't all that bad except for the damn catheter I was begging them all night to remove. I also looked at myself for the first time in a mirror, and unlike other people I just wanted to laugh. Maybe it's because I was expecting to come out looking like I'd gotten my ass severely beaten and run over by a tow truck but s'all good. 

Day 1 post op:

I never wanted to be at home so badly in my life this day! My mom had told me the night before that she would come bright and early in the morning to stay with me all day but she didn't ---awww too bad. I never cried like I did for my mommy than on this day, seriously. It was a joke. However, in the afternoon I was visited by my lovely friends who made me an amazinggggg and delicious looking basket filled with my favorite candy, some cool fruit ninja candy, some asian snacks (I'll be looking at those for a few weeks sad I can't eat em.) that I love a whole bunch of face masks (which thank god, I know I'll be needing those) and one of those little hospital masks people wear over their mouthes, except it was green and looked like a frog, so cute!

It was fun and I felt more like myself being with my friends, just talking it was awesome and just what I needed to escape my little pity party I had going on, all by my lonesome self. 

LOL I don't think I'll ever forget the look on my best friends face when she walked in and started laughing at me! That little bully! But it's okay, I needed the laugh. At this point, there really was no pain in my face except the few times I'd feel my jaw trying to like jerk out of the wires - so painful but only lasted a couple of minutes.  

As for numbness, from the beginning I didn't have substantial numbing in my lips. The bottom lip probably has the most feeling out of anywhere on my face and my top left lip, the top right is completely dead at this point. My nose, oh gosh --  it feels like im wearing one of those fake rubber noses with the glasses. It doesn't feel like my nose at all! 

I also kept feeling itchy on the numb parts of my face, sucks you dont feel it when you scratch it cause that just don't work. I also felt in my chin under the bandages a lot of like-- idek how to explain it yall-- wiggilingy? or like something was moving. Hopefully these are all good signs that feeling is indeed retuning because too be honest, I was never really a fan of those Groucho glasses. 

Day 2 post op: the day I return home!

Seriously, from the moment I got up at like 5am all I had dead set in my mind was I. need. to. go. home. 

I did everything was supposed to as uncomfortable and tiring as it was so I could leave that hospital. I don't know about anyone else, but hospitals remind me of the beginning of walking dead, yep, was waiting for some zombies to come pouncing at all times of the night. However, my mom soon came at around noon and we left the hospital. Man, I'd never been so happy to be outside in my life!

On the way home, I got a frappuccino which was heaven~*~ after barely scarfing down ensure and hospital food.

All was good, except for at night, when I felt completely nauseous, couldn't eat, couldn't drink, thought I was going to puke at any moment. And surprisingly I thought "I wish I was still at the hospital" lol. 

Numbness was pretty steady and the swelling was starting to get bad at this point. Oh I also learned that the exam I deferred which was supposed to be after 3 weeks post op, is next thursday and on Friday. Fun, not only do I have to feel like shit, I have to feel like shit while studying. Fun times~

Day 3: First morning at home post op.

I slept pretty well that night, I woke up a lot and would always drift back to sleep. By now however, the pain was starting to kick in. I tried taking crushed up ibuprofen plenty of times but you know, I can just never get it down. So I've completely given up. Yup, broken jaws and no pain killers! To be honest however, the pain is pretty bearable so far, heres to hoping it doesn't get worse!

Nothing eventful really happened this day, I realized that it's pretty much IMPOSSIBLE to cough with your jaws wired shut, ouch. And, yawning hurts like a bitch, and when youre pretty much always exhausted, which you will be after this surgery, well be prepared. 

Brushing as also proven to be quite a difficult task, in between wanting to pass out from no food in take, and trying to get a toothbrush in there without ripping out any stitches, it's quite the task. I ate soup this day, with blended chicken --  okay HORRIBLE idea. it literally stuck everywhere in between my top and bottom teeth. 

So yeah this is where I basically hit rock bottom, I felt like crying all day, everywhere I look there is delicious food calling out to me that I can't eat for 6 weeks, my jaw stiffness is so annoying, I want to cough, and blow my nose and the fact that I won't be able to brush my teeth inside for 6 weeks makes me want to cry! I can already feel the damage done from the past 4 days. 

You seriously, don't know how good you've got it until it's gone! Teeth brushing - total god send. I was at the point where I was about to go mad - Seriously I wrote this on tumblr:

"You know, this has probably been the worst experience of my life. I don’t at all get how anyone would voluntarily get surgery done on their face. Even I, who had this done for corrective measures honestly wish id had never visited an orthodontist from the get. I hate being negative but I have never felt this amt of suck in my life. Fuck biting into a sandwhich. I just want to be able to eat. period."

And trust me, that doesn't begin to explain how horrible this surgery is making me feel! At this point in the game, I cannot confidently say that I would do this again. I was never unhappy with my underbite and I'm miserable now without it! (ha it's quite funny).. To be honest, at this point in the game I would not recommend this surgery for anyone, so far only have negative things to say about this experience.

However, I have all these lovely people reminding me that time will pass and soon I'll be out of these wires and back to eating normally. So, I just have to keep remembering that it's gonna be a distant memory one day, and for now I can just look forward to the yummy  things I will eat in the future! And hope that I'll good without my 'concave' face - seriously, thats what they called me.

Surgery Date/Before Surgery

Okay, so I had a lot to do during the day, haven't slept yet so this post is slightly late!
My name is Amina, and today, June 19th 2013 at 8 am I am going to be undergoing double jaw surgery and a genioplasty for my underbite.
Basically, from what I know right now... my upper jaw will be moved forward 5mm and up 2mm. The bottom jaw will get moved back 5mm. Now the genioplasty is a bit tricky. The chin will be moved forward again 6 mm and then moved up a bit i believe.. I'm not sure by how much.
Now that's my case.. I've been reading other people's blogs for a year and a half and it's helped keep my sanity, answer almost all of my questions etc. And I'm really hoping to do the same with this one.

Now, I'll upload some before pictures after I get discharged because I seriously need to clean these teeth NICELY (considering they'll be behind bars for a few weeks) and sleep for like 2 hrs.. LOL

Feelings: I've been so excited prior to June, since June has started, I have been nothing but anxious, nervous.. needless to say scared shitless!
But hopefully iA I'll get through this and so shall you!

Peace, love & justice~ Amina