Looks and stares

Seriously I just feel like Writing BROKEN JAWS on my cheeks so people would just look once and leave me alone

I honestly feel for people who have to go through this constantly and sometimes throughout their whole lives. This is why even before my surgery I made an effort to not look and if I did to smile like I would with anyone else and not gawk at them like theyre some lab experiment gone wrong.

On another note.. tell me its normal for the swelling to be going down sooo slowly. It seriously feels like it hasn't gone down at all.

And the discomfort in my teeth. Idk maybe its the wires pulling at them and clenching down all day long but wow, its pretty uncomfortable. Its like when you get your braces tightened except its on every single molar and pre molar. Oh well id rather have that then no feeling so~ no complaints here.

Day 8: into the real world~

Swelling: Is decreasing pretty freaking slowly. It doesn't look like my face has changed at all. Could be because I've never taken the ibuprofen (who could stomach that grinded up ugh) and idk im kinda sleeping up right lol kinda... 

Food: My nutrition is so bad right now. Literally all I eat is soups like tomato soup, chicken noodle soupp (sans the chicken noodle"), milkshakes and random bits of juice here and there

Other than the obvious lack of food from the damn wiring, and the swelling I feel pretty much back to normal. In fact, I've even adjusted to the lack of food and seeing all the good food my family is eating (today they had pizza T.T and shrimp /cry) but it's okay because I've learned that I could live vicariously through people by watching them eat (as creepy as that is) and watching people make food on youtube. Seriously, it's al I've been watching especially east asian cuisine (gotta love me some kimchi) and how to make fast food like a mcchicken at home because I reaaally miss fast food for some reason.

I remember a few days ago writing on my tumblr about how this has been the worst experience of my life and that I don't know how I'll cope without food for 6 weeks. Well I'm glad to tell you it's getting easier (not in the sense that it's actually easier) just that I'e adjust fairly quickly. And I have to thank my best friend specially because shes been there for me a100%, and my mom has been doing so much more work and on top of helping me who can't even make phone calls (thank you, I love you guys and I'm sorry for the constant complaints and jaw talk!). 

Today, I went to school and on a bus (wow people stare a lot) because I had an exam to write. It was quite the experience. I felt myself hiding a lot, I got a lot of stares, lost my balance, stepped on people I was quite the mess and my apologies oh gosh probably sounded like a Neanderthal's grunts #oops. 

I even saw someone I wasn't friends with but knew from my old high school - talk about a double take -  Not sure if it was because he recognized me or because he was thinking "what the hell happened to that broad??" 

One thing however, I have the weirdest thing under my upper lip. It looks kind of like it might be infected (although my mom seems to disagree) but I don't have any symptoms. The bad thing is, I dont see my surgeon for the first post op appointment until one week from now, because of these damn exams. 

Yawning, coughing smiling/laughing and pain:

Let me tell you Yawning has become such a painful thing to do, but I've figured out how to effectively stop it, when you feel it coming on just breathe really deeply and out forcefully. 

As for coughing, I've needed to do so for the past two days! Not fun. 

I've also been smiling and laughing a lot, which I just do I'm a naturally laugh-y kinda person, like I'd laugh at the dumbest, simplest things. So as you can imagine the stitches have been barely holding my face together. I'm wondering when people were to smile and laugh normally again after surgery?

Pain, I have no pain - except in my teeth (which is a good thing, feeling is returning) from the cold, from clenching down on them all day, they even feel like theyre wiggling around idk maybe it's all in my head. 

Last night, was another night I stayed up until like 6 am because of the sensations in my face. They dont hurt but tbh I'd rather pain than this weird feeling. At least pain I can sleep with. LOL it came back as soon as I started writing this. It's mostly in my right side, which is also the side that is the most number which maybe because of my crossbite pre surgery. Well here's to hoping for a good night. 

Day 6: Premonition??

Okay so another good day, the only bad thing is I've only drank apple juice and not even half a cup of oatmeal. Just wasn't feeling up to it.

I've noticed that because my jaws are wired shut they are putting a lot of pressure on one of my molars which is thankfully the only source of my pain so far!

Today I just again, bummed around, put off studying and slept.

I only got about two hours of sleep from 5 -7 because of the weird sensations in my face. But that is A-OK if it means the nerves are regenerating.

On a more important note. Negativity. This is something we need to try hard to get rid of from our lives, even before and after jaw surgery in all aspects of our lives.

Negativity about our corrective, yes corrective jaw surgery is something obviously not unheard of.

But we need to ignore it. Yes, I have just started to hear from some really negative people in my life that I'm "fake" and treating this like I went off and got plastic surgery because I thought I was ugly or I hated my chin or nose, which I never did. And no, even plastic surgery shouldn't be looked at so negatively. At the end of the day the person doing it, wants to do it to be happy. If it doesn't affect anyone negatively then all power to ya! Good for them. But talking about corrective jaw surgery by using plastic surgery in a negative light can, and has made people angry.

It's OK.

I tried eating noodle soup today blended lol not a good idea. Seriously, all the spaces inbetween my teeth became so blocked up. I don't even know how I'm going to get all this stuff out :((

---
It was a totally bad idea, I ended up freaking out because it went everywhere and i think I ripped some stitches which sucks because I can't even see my surgeon at the one week mark - happy one week to me.

Nerve regeneration?

So I currently cannot sleep because my face decides to start regenerating it's nerves (well that's what I think is going on anyways) right when I decide to turn in for the night.

But don't even get me wrong, they can go all night if it means I'm getting more feeling back in my face. It's not painful or anything but it feels sooo fucking weird. Like I can't even explain the feeling, it's quite uncomfortable.

Day 5: A good day :)

Today is starting out to be pretty good! Thank god, I don't really have that horrible of pain in my jaw joints today, and my nose is soooooo clear for the first time in almost a week.
But I'm a bit anxious because I slightly reaaaaaally softly blew my nose because it was unbearable and oh wowowowow the stuff that's sitting in your nose after upper jaw surgery is soooo grossss. But special tip INVEST IN A HUMIDIFIER if you don't already have one. Seriously, the like few times mine wasn't on, my congestion built right up, but with it my nose has been amazingly clear. I don't know what I would have done without mine!

I also have this gauze/tape thing wrapped underneath my lower jaw and chin and let me just tell you, it is not fun! Starting from last night, it began to itch like crazy, the tape is already beginning to peel so I'm trying so carefully to scratch it but it just doesn't work. Ugh, and I'm stuck with this thing for the next 3 or 4 days too boo T.T

-- Oh random, LOL this economics exam that I have in a few days is really getting to my subconscious. I'm having dreams about economics, which I'm sure isn't very healthy. With that, I've noticed at least one dream if not more these days since my jaw surgery, like I don't know what it is, but I don't forget my dreams these days which is awesome cause my dreams are quite entertaining tbh, who knew I had such a head on me.

omg lol I seriously can't stress this enough, you never realize how good looking you were until you have jaw surgery, I mean I look an ugly mess dude.

As for eating, I'm starting to well drink more everyday which is good but to be honest it does not help at all. Liquids just get processed so fking fast in your stomach I'm literally hungry with minutes ughughugh I guess I better get used to it.

On top of that however, Im finding that my energy levels have taken a huge nose dive. Seriously, I hate how cleaning my teeth makes me tired enough that I want to take a nap! ugh.

After my nap:
Honestly, today was a great day! I felt pretty much normal except for the mouth which wasn't at all painful, just gross. Not brushing the insides is taking a huge toll on me!! It seriously feels so gross and slimy ugh. just 5 more weeks..

As for pain.. I seriously had like no jaw pain today thank god, I'm hoping it doesnt come later on, and its awesome because I haven't taken pain meds at all since I've been home, plus the numbness in my face is starting to decrease quite a bit. My tongue isn't numb at all and neither are some of my teeth, they're starting to get sore from being crushed all day LOL

And I've got some studying done which is awesome because when I tried yesterday I literally COULDN'T.

Thank god today went so smoothly, I'm praying for another good tomorrow for the rest of my recovery! So much better than yesterday.

I've finally cracked.

I think I have an infection and all these what ifs are going through my mind, what if they have to remove apart of my jaw, what if its really bad they have to do everything over again.
On top of that IM DYING OF HUNGER. All I want is some tomato soup but I can't even have that because the stupid can opener doesnt WORK.

So I'm crying, I havent really cried at all the past few days but this is just too much now, I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I really don't.

And I really want to blow my fucking nose. Can I not even do that.

I hate life right now.

All the wonder

I've read on so many blogs about how much people don't like their face right after jaw surgery, but I can't stop looking at myself but god do I look ugly.
It's just not my face and I'm so anxious to see how it'll look. With all this swelling, I'm already seeing a huge difference, so have my friends and family and I know this isn't how I'll look a few months, or even weeks down the road but the curiosity is getting to me.

lol one thing I do want to say though, is that I'm not very happy with my nose so far. sigh~

I'll put up pics soon, as much as I wanna look at myself post op, I'm not sure I'm ready to share that with everyone.

But here is a picture I took like a day or two before surgery enjoy:

Sorry my room was an absolute mess, I was in the pre surgery clean up stage, I knew I wouldnt feel up to doing much afterwards. 

Day 4 post op: continuation of suck.

Today was one of my better todays so far, but I'm pretty sure it's just because I'm starting to adjust to everything.

Numbness, my tongue is starting to get feeling back I'd say it's like 80%ish back and as for the swelling, well it began to go down but on my left cheek which was the least swollen before seems to have swelled up - thus leading me to believe I may have an infection.
Maybe it's because I don't take any pain killers but my insiscion sites hurt sometimes, it's like a little stabbing pain and its really only on the bottom left side. Well, I'm going in for my post surgery appointment in a few days I guess, we'll see. Nothing I can do since I am already taking antibiotics.

The pain is a lot less there right now, thank god, but Im definitely getting tired of having an immobile jaw.

Today, I didn't do much, just daily stuff, showered & brushed, tried to eat (hey I ate more than the past few days so that's a plus), just bummed around watching reruns of the OC when I should be studying #oops. Oh, and I lost 8 lbs so far LOL and to be honest I'm such a grouch I don't even see that as a plus, I'd rather gain 8 lbs and be able to eat whatever I want to at this point..

I'm seriously suffering from liquid diet syndrome right now... okay there is no such thing but there should be. I see and notice food more often then I used to, and when your family is eating your fav croissants and you see fridge and cabinets filled to the brim with delicious solid foods, sigh~ I'm shocked I haven't cracked yet.

Also, I'm like in freak out mode because of this whole not being able to brush properly.. Like, seriously I'm spending thousands of dollars on teeth that are gonna turn black from peridex and get one too many cavities because I can't brush on the inside - seems counter productive if you ask me! LOL I'd try and convince my surgeon to unwire me for 10 minutes so I could get a good brush in but I know that's not gonna happen T.T

You really don't realize what a luxury brushing your teeth is until you can't do it anymore.

I'm also insanely tired, seriously standing for 15 minutes brushing my teeth is like an olympic sport for me now, I mean I wasn't always the most athletic girl in the room but this is just not right, oh man it's so funny - I broke my jaws so I could successfully bite into a sandwhich but the opportunity cost (LOL econ) is not being able to eat properly for over a month.

I mean come on, we all love a good milkshake but not for every other meal in between gross soups that get stuck everywhere and... okay yeahh that's pretty much all I eat, again, #oops.

Until next time when I find something new to complain about, Ima go brush up on elasticity and all that fun economics stuff.

Day of surgery, day 1, 2 and 3 post op!

Apologies for the lack of posts from the beginning of my surgery up to today, day 4 -- it has just been such an intense experience thus far, it's so hard to even breathe right much less take time out of my sulking way to post but I will! In the name of all that is good, and useful for people who will be getting this.

Day of surgery June 19 2013: 

Well, there isn't much to say about this to be quite honest, I was dopped up on drugs and trying hard not to throw up again. 

I remember walking into the OR and laying my head down on this block, last thing I remembered was trying my very hardest not to cry (sorry I'm a bit of a wuss) and seeing my surgeons face before I woke up. Seriously, for anyone who hasn't gone under general anesthesia, it's seriously like a split second and your up.

I remember just completely freaking out! My jaws were wired shut, I was confused, uncomfortable and I reeeaaally need to hurl. So I did. Lots of blood into a bucket in the ICU where I spent my first night. 

I had some great nurses taking care of me so it wasn't all that bad except for the damn catheter I was begging them all night to remove. I also looked at myself for the first time in a mirror, and unlike other people I just wanted to laugh. Maybe it's because I was expecting to come out looking like I'd gotten my ass severely beaten and run over by a tow truck but s'all good. 

Day 1 post op:

I never wanted to be at home so badly in my life this day! My mom had told me the night before that she would come bright and early in the morning to stay with me all day but she didn't ---awww too bad. I never cried like I did for my mommy than on this day, seriously. It was a joke. However, in the afternoon I was visited by my lovely friends who made me an amazinggggg and delicious looking basket filled with my favorite candy, some cool fruit ninja candy, some asian snacks (I'll be looking at those for a few weeks sad I can't eat em.) that I love a whole bunch of face masks (which thank god, I know I'll be needing those) and one of those little hospital masks people wear over their mouthes, except it was green and looked like a frog, so cute!

It was fun and I felt more like myself being with my friends, just talking it was awesome and just what I needed to escape my little pity party I had going on, all by my lonesome self. 

LOL I don't think I'll ever forget the look on my best friends face when she walked in and started laughing at me! That little bully! But it's okay, I needed the laugh. At this point, there really was no pain in my face except the few times I'd feel my jaw trying to like jerk out of the wires - so painful but only lasted a couple of minutes.  

As for numbness, from the beginning I didn't have substantial numbing in my lips. The bottom lip probably has the most feeling out of anywhere on my face and my top left lip, the top right is completely dead at this point. My nose, oh gosh --  it feels like im wearing one of those fake rubber noses with the glasses. It doesn't feel like my nose at all! 

I also kept feeling itchy on the numb parts of my face, sucks you dont feel it when you scratch it cause that just don't work. I also felt in my chin under the bandages a lot of like-- idek how to explain it yall-- wiggilingy? or like something was moving. Hopefully these are all good signs that feeling is indeed retuning because too be honest, I was never really a fan of those Groucho glasses. 

Day 2 post op: the day I return home!

Seriously, from the moment I got up at like 5am all I had dead set in my mind was I. need. to. go. home. 

I did everything was supposed to as uncomfortable and tiring as it was so I could leave that hospital. I don't know about anyone else, but hospitals remind me of the beginning of walking dead, yep, was waiting for some zombies to come pouncing at all times of the night. However, my mom soon came at around noon and we left the hospital. Man, I'd never been so happy to be outside in my life!

On the way home, I got a frappuccino which was heaven~*~ after barely scarfing down ensure and hospital food.

All was good, except for at night, when I felt completely nauseous, couldn't eat, couldn't drink, thought I was going to puke at any moment. And surprisingly I thought "I wish I was still at the hospital" lol. 

Numbness was pretty steady and the swelling was starting to get bad at this point. Oh I also learned that the exam I deferred which was supposed to be after 3 weeks post op, is next thursday and on Friday. Fun, not only do I have to feel like shit, I have to feel like shit while studying. Fun times~

Day 3: First morning at home post op.

I slept pretty well that night, I woke up a lot and would always drift back to sleep. By now however, the pain was starting to kick in. I tried taking crushed up ibuprofen plenty of times but you know, I can just never get it down. So I've completely given up. Yup, broken jaws and no pain killers! To be honest however, the pain is pretty bearable so far, heres to hoping it doesn't get worse!

Nothing eventful really happened this day, I realized that it's pretty much IMPOSSIBLE to cough with your jaws wired shut, ouch. And, yawning hurts like a bitch, and when youre pretty much always exhausted, which you will be after this surgery, well be prepared. 

Brushing as also proven to be quite a difficult task, in between wanting to pass out from no food in take, and trying to get a toothbrush in there without ripping out any stitches, it's quite the task. I ate soup this day, with blended chicken --  okay HORRIBLE idea. it literally stuck everywhere in between my top and bottom teeth. 

So yeah this is where I basically hit rock bottom, I felt like crying all day, everywhere I look there is delicious food calling out to me that I can't eat for 6 weeks, my jaw stiffness is so annoying, I want to cough, and blow my nose and the fact that I won't be able to brush my teeth inside for 6 weeks makes me want to cry! I can already feel the damage done from the past 4 days. 

You seriously, don't know how good you've got it until it's gone! Teeth brushing - total god send. I was at the point where I was about to go mad - Seriously I wrote this on tumblr:

"You know, this has probably been the worst experience of my life. I don’t at all get how anyone would voluntarily get surgery done on their face. Even I, who had this done for corrective measures honestly wish id had never visited an orthodontist from the get. I hate being negative but I have never felt this amt of suck in my life. Fuck biting into a sandwhich. I just want to be able to eat. period."

And trust me, that doesn't begin to explain how horrible this surgery is making me feel! At this point in the game, I cannot confidently say that I would do this again. I was never unhappy with my underbite and I'm miserable now without it! (ha it's quite funny).. To be honest, at this point in the game I would not recommend this surgery for anyone, so far only have negative things to say about this experience.

However, I have all these lovely people reminding me that time will pass and soon I'll be out of these wires and back to eating normally. So, I just have to keep remembering that it's gonna be a distant memory one day, and for now I can just look forward to the yummy  things I will eat in the future! And hope that I'll good without my 'concave' face - seriously, thats what they called me.

Surgery Date/Before Surgery

Okay, so I had a lot to do during the day, haven't slept yet so this post is slightly late!
My name is Amina, and today, June 19th 2013 at 8 am I am going to be undergoing double jaw surgery and a genioplasty for my underbite.
Basically, from what I know right now... my upper jaw will be moved forward 5mm and up 2mm. The bottom jaw will get moved back 5mm. Now the genioplasty is a bit tricky. The chin will be moved forward again 6 mm and then moved up a bit i believe.. I'm not sure by how much.
Now that's my case.. I've been reading other people's blogs for a year and a half and it's helped keep my sanity, answer almost all of my questions etc. And I'm really hoping to do the same with this one.

Now, I'll upload some before pictures after I get discharged because I seriously need to clean these teeth NICELY (considering they'll be behind bars for a few weeks) and sleep for like 2 hrs.. LOL

Feelings: I've been so excited prior to June, since June has started, I have been nothing but anxious, nervous.. needless to say scared shitless!
But hopefully iA I'll get through this and so shall you!

Peace, love & justice~ Amina